Fear, Worry, and Other Stupid Relationship Hick Ups

     First I'd like to welcome all of you back to my blog page. I decided to take the spring season off from writing for a number of reasons. This past January I sustained a knee injury that landed me in surgery and then physical therapy. However, I did have the prettiest and most wonderful nurse assisting me in recovery. (There is always a silver lining). I also had a couple of film obligations and I had to learn a few life lessons every good Kung Fu Monk should learn. So... here we go...
    

“It isn’t about invulnerability… It’s about absolute vulnerability. That is the only true courage.”

Love Scares Ninjas and Spies.

     I think for a lot of us, fear gets in the way of our relationship with our partner. It affects everything if we let it. It skews our views of ourselves, our relationship, our spouse. It plays tricks on us. It can concoct silly and unsettling perceptions of the reality of things as opposed to what’s really going on in our relationship.

Now, granted, sometimes we can find ourselves in a very bad and unhealthy relationships. It’s very important to be honest and perceptive about those kinds of relationships and either work on them with a professional, which takes both people in the relationship, OR get out of the relationship all together. (But that’s a whole other blog). Remember, just because we “love” someone, doesn’t always mean they are good for us. I speak from experience having been on both sides of that coin. And if you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help from friends, family, or take advantage of the many assistance programs in your community. But for the sake of discussion, let’s say you are the average person having a fairly normal relationship. Let’s look at human kinds' Arch Rival- Fear, and let’s see how it works against us in our relationships.

Fear, Philosophy, and Vulnerability 101

     You never really care about anything until you have something to lose. It’s human nature. This universal law is probably the most true when it comes to love. Let’s face it... When you love someone, by side effect, you, my friend, become (gasp) vulnerable! Vulnerable… never has there been such a beautifully ugly condition. Vulnerable in infancy. Vulnerable in sickness. And vulnerable in love. You gotta love the human condition. (Being human is a condition, by the way.) Sooo... What follows vulnerability in that hip, happening, groovy, kind of love, kind of way? Well let’s see… by the numbers-

Insecurity = Worry = Fear = Shut Down = Bad Mojo

Insecurity (either self or partner) leads to worry, leads to fear (of loss, cheating, failure) leads to closing up of self (failure to face your feelings, believe your partner’s feelings, or allow for proper display of affection or exceptance of affection).  In the words of a wise Kung Fu Monk, “Holy emotional baggage, Batman.”

     To beat insecurity is not as hard as you’d think. It just takes consistent work. Simply put- Just get up everyday, be the best you can be, and remember you are the master of only yourself and no one or anything else. If you are insecure about your partner or your relationship, here’s a brand new innovative thing I like to do- talk with them. (I would double underline and circle that last part if I could.)

So How Do We Stop Shutting Off, Closing Up, and Being Fearful?

     The first thing you can do is the simplest, but the hardest. (Go figure, right?) You can accept that you are human, and you have feelings. And with feelings of caring about someone, comes the cross of being vulnerable with that person. You can not have true love, without, fear of losing it. It is the thorn on the beautiful rose’s stem. Such is the human life.

The next thing is- don’t push your feelings or that person away for the sake of protecting yourself. I know, that sounds counter intuitive, but hear me out. When we shut off, shut down, or push aside the person we love, we lose the magic of being in love. We carelessly throw out the greatest emotion the human soul can ever experience. And on top of that we end up hurting the one who loves us. Now that is truly counter intuitive. There’s an old saying, “No risk, no reward.” I think the author was talking about matters of the heart when he said that.

     When I was younger, before I taught the Martial Arts, I was a competitive kickboxer. At first, I wasn’t that great in the ring. In fact, I got my ass kicked. I was small, insecure, and I was always afraid of getting hit and getting hurt. Which in reality, was silly to worry about, It’s fighting! Both are bound to happen! But when I accepted that I was going to get hit from time to time and I was going to feel pain, I actually became much better at fighting. I stopped thinking about what could go wrong and I started to be in the moment of what was going right. I eventually became a semi pro champion. Yeah, It’s kind of the same in love and relationships. We have to except that in order to be our best and have a healthy relationship, we can’t spend our entire time worrying about getting hurt or losing. Cause I promise you, if you do… you will.

Lastly...
     I think the best medicine and maintenance for relationships has been and always will be honest communication. Not on the phone. Not in texts. But one on one, good old fashioned, in person talking and listening… Followed by doing.
     We were all children once. And in love, we become like children again. We can either emulate the magic of childhood or we can bask in immaturity. It is by mindfulness, communication, and the constant pursuit of success, not failure, that we may obtain peace in our companionships. Cool, huh? Happy dance..