"How others treat you is their karma; how you respond is yours." ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer
Long ago, it was said that a man sought out the Buddha because the man's sons had become followers of the Buddha. The man was angry with the Buddha for "distracting" his sons. When the man found the him, he yelled and screamed in his face; even going so far as to spit on the Buddha. But the Buddha only reacted by smiling at the man. The man, even more angry because he got no reaction from the Buddha, stormed off. One of the followers asked the Buddha, "Teacher, how can you do nothing at the actions of that man?" The Buddha asked his follower, "If you bring a gift to someone and they don't want it, to whom does the gift belong to?" The follower thought a moment and said, "It would belong to me." The Buddha, responded, "Exactly. The man's anger, like the gift, is his and his alone."
We have to first understand ourselves clearly, then we can understand others...
A life changing lesson
One of the greatest lessons I've learned in life is this: How people treat you or speak to you is often a reflection of themselves, not you, and where they are on their journey. Remember that the next time you have a difficult interaction with someone. We live in such a 'me' centered world now a days. It's easy to interject ourselves into everything and everyone. We, far too often, believe the world somehow revolves around us. And we automatically assume that when someone snaps at us or is curt toward us, it's because we did or said something wrong. Well, that's not necessarily always the case. We're not always at fault.
If the cashier at the grocery gives me an attitude, I try to remind myself that it's not me. I just got there and was in no way responsible for that person's attitude. I don't know what happened this morning to him or her nor do I know what struggles they are facing right at that moment. I just happened to be the poor shmuck that gets handed their attitude. That person could be facing eviction, illness, a break up, maybe they didn't sleep well. It could be any number of things. By doing this, I develop empathy toward that human being. (Now if I started off being an ass to them, then it's my fault and I need to face my own bullshit!)
Blaming, redirecting, and finger pointing
When people aren't properly dealing with or facing their own baggage, they will try to take the spotlight off of themselves. Let's face it, I've done it. You've done it. It is far easier to point out the flaws in others rather then pointing out flaws in ourselves. It takes strength, honesty, and accountability to take a hard look at ourselves. People don't like to do that. It's painful! So they blame others for their circumstances or short comings. They point out the alleged flaws in others. It is essential that you are mindful of this. I always say, "If I'm going to point a finger at someone, then I have to point three at myself." We get so caught up in comparing ourselves to others that we feel like we are less than what we really are.
People project their pain
Often times when people are hurting they will project their pain toward anyone or anything that is around them. Sometimes, they don't even have to say a word, you can just feel the tension radiating from them. Stress is, by my definition, a state of being where the mind refuses to accept reality. When you are at odds with yourself, your life, or your circumstances, you take those stresses and struggles with you everywhere you go. And it becomes obvious to those around you. Generally, happy people smile. And on the flip side, sad people frown and angry people are aggressive. If you don't accept and let go of the things you can't change, then you are going to lash out with those unresolved feelings; often at the people who love you. If you don't deal with reality and really figure out who you are, you will project your strife onto others. I've been guilty of this numerous times in the past, myself.
So the question is: How do we face our own bullshit?
When you know yourself, you know yourself
No matter what you believe about yourself, you are by nature: truth, consciousness, and bliss. That's what you are. No more. No less. You are the same as your neighbor. You are no worse or no better than anybody. No one is any better or worse than you. We get so caught up thinking that we are defined by our stuff, or our bodies, or our grades, or jobs, or groups we belong to. Pick anything. It's all illusion. It really is. These are false identities. We buy into the illusion of this because too many of us measure one another by all of these labels. Those things are not you. When you can accept and yield to what you are, then knowing what you aren't becomes so beside the point that it really will change your response and perspective to those around you.
Stop measuring
Stop measuring yourself against other people. One of the absolute truths about this life is this: you are not in competition with anyone. The pressure that you feel to keep up with the Kardashians or the Jones' or the man on the moon... is entirely self inflicted. We, as a society, have this nasty habit of always comparing our houses, our cars, our bodies, our intellect, our bank accounts, etc., with everyone else. We do that because we are seeking happiness outside of our own being and we live in a culture that is fast, flashy, and materialistic. We are compensating for a lack of personal security. This is your ego. And your ego's job is to sabotage your happiness. Your job is to destroy your ego.
Meditate
I am a huge advocate of meditation. It's that quiet time that it is just you, your thoughts, your feelings. It is a moment of mindfulness of the present; the here and now. I truly recommend beginning each day with meditation. There will be people, particularly those who have uninformed opinions or religious views, who may not want to practice meditation because they don't understand the psychology of it. That's okay. You don't need to sit in some lotus position under a Bodhi tree to enjoy the peace of mind of meditation. We all have to breathe to survive. Just take a moment to stand still and breathe. Take 10 controlled breaths and clear your mind. Be nowhere but the present. You will find a greater peace and calm afterward. Even just a little bit will help you. Meditate and think on yourself. You can't learn about yourself without looking within. Tame your mind.
Practice being kind, not just right
There are so many times when we just have to be right. We have to fight for a cause, or a campaign, or be part of an ideology that we believe is the only way. That human characteristic has destroyed more relationships, friendships, families, churches, and nations than it has ever rewarded. There is a time to stand your ground but you have to weigh the cost of it. Is being right more important than being at peace? Or is there vindication in holding your ground? Pausing for an analytical moment to decide which is more efficient, will often make a huge difference in your mind and the out come of the situation.
Acknowledge your bullshit
When we delve into our own baggage, we can acknowledge our issues more clearly. When we admit that there is an issue, then we can begin to understand it and resolve it. When we understand our own issues and being, we can then connect to and better understand others and the world around us more effectively. This life is a process, a journey, not a destination. You have to continually reexamine yourself as you continue to further know and understand yourself. Life is a collection of lessons and opportunities. Life is not about perfection. Life is about growth.
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