"Happiness is a choice."
Something just felt different. In fact, it has been different for some time. Maybe it was me. Did I do something wrong? Was there someone else? Was it, like the song goes, the thrill gone? Facing the fact that I wasn't bringing much money into the house, (in fact my girlfriend who is a school teacher is making more then me) I looked over at my girlfriend and asked her what was wrong. I continued to ask all of the "is it me, is it you, is it us, questions." Ever play that game? It's awkward.
Much to my surprise, I was wrong on all accounts. There was no one else, it was not me, or even anything to do with us. But the weird feeling that I got from my long time spouse was there. What it was was merely a reflection of her personal stress. And it was there because of... well... really... a choice.
My girlfriend worked very hard to become a teacher. She worked odd jobs and took all the necessary classes and tests to obtain her teaching license. I can remember watching her come home from work and immediately dive into studying for her licensing tests. She spent hours and hours preparing. And she also spent hours and hours agonizing about getting a job in the school system. The economy in our state, as with just about any place, for lack of a better word: sucks.
Finally, after meeting all the requirements, she fulfilled her dream of being a teacher. She is in her second year of teaching now. And she is again stressed. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that her stress never left. As she and I spoke more in depth, she told me how stressed out she was that her job may be cut next school year. And she was worried about being unemployed.
Now to most people, especially now a days, this stress seems absolutely normal. Notice how I said, most people. I, my friends, am not most people. (Please, no comments from those who know me.) When I heard her utter this worry I didn't know if I should laugh or be genuinely sorry for her. Have I lost you yet? No worries. Follow me on this...
Essentially, what my girlfriend inadvertently told me was that her happiness has been overcome by stress. And that stress never stopped. Even in the wake of getting what she thought she wanted, she was still stressed out. No break, no holiday from stress. Nope. Just a bunch of worry where happiness should be.
Do you do that? Do you find yourself stressing to obtain something? Sounds something like: "I'll be happy when I get this fill in the blank." And then when you get it, do you stress about keeping it? Or maybe you stress out that what you got wasn't what you expected or how you expected it to be. Well, if all of that is true, why?- It's human nature. Or more accurately, a learned response.
People tend to delay their own happiness!
Now read the previous sentence out loud! People tend to delay their own happiness. What? Why? That's crazy talk, right? Wrong. It's a fact. Think about it. How many times have you said or thought things like, "I'll be happy when I buy that house. I'll be happy when I have a new car. I'll be happy when I get that job or that girl or that guy or blah, blah, blah!" You've done it. Admit it! I've done it. We've all done it. We are making a choice. And for what ever bone headed reason, we are choosing to delay our happiness. We are putting our happiness into the future. Kind of like putting an event down in your calender, we do the same thing with our happiness. (Hmm, note to self: March 1st- 1pm- be happy then.)
WHY WE DO IT:
Why procrastinate our own happiness? Simple. We, as human beings, have fantasies. And I don't mean the naked kind. We, in our minds, have a specific belief of how we feel our lives should be. Or how we can make them be that by attaining something or someone. This is desire. Again, not the naked kind. Desire is wanting. Wanting is suffering. Suffering, you guessed it, trumps happiness. It is impossible to be truly happy and want something in the same moment. Oh, and that's merely half of it kiddies, hold on! When we actually attain that thing or person that we wanted, guess what? It is never exactly how we imagined it! Think about it. Even your dream job will have days that, well, suck. Even that hot model girlfriend will be a bitch sometimes. And because of that, we aren't satisfied or happy! And then, get ready, the cycle repeats itself! We look for the NEXT BIG THING! ( Or thang, as I like to call it.) Or worse: we worry about keeping what we have! I did that, a long time ago, with a girlfriend. I thought this girl was the one. The one who could make me happy. Soon after we started dating, I thought more about losing her then I did loving her. And guess what... I lost her. (In my defense, she was the hot girl, who in fact, was a high maintance bitch. Just saying for the record.)
BEING HAPPY NOW
So, if you think about it... you, me, the man in the tree, we all have put off our happiness at some point. And now you are conscious of how we do it. How do we end it? Mindfulness. We need to be mindful of where we are and be alright with it. Now, I don't like being unemployed, but I know, deep down, that it's temporary. But I'm not going to say, I'll be happy when I'm working again. No. I'm saying, I'm happy now. And I know my actions today will lead to another job tomorrow. Every choice or action right now, dictates quite a lot for tomorrow. Based on that, why put your mind anywhere else but right here and right now? Stop telling yourself things like that, "things aren't how I planned them." No kidding. Things... never - will - be! Whether you believe in a purpose, a higher power, or people just manifested out of thin air, you can believe that your life, now, is special. Always has been, always will be. You can be happy just to be alive. Don't worry so much about tomorrow. It might not come. This moment, is all you have. Be happy that you can use it to make a positive impact on others and you can influence your own tomorrow. If it comes. Paradise is a matter of perception. Food for thought from the Kung Fu Monk.. Hi-yay!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Sailing the Sea of Emotion
"Emotion can be the enemy... The 'moment' has not yesterday or tomorrow. It is not the result of thought and, therefore, has not time." - Bruce Lee, Tao of Jeet Kune Do
Have you ever had a bad day? I mean a really lousy day. The kind of day that when it was over, you went home, and you replayed it in your mind again and again. Maybe your boss got upset with you and made you feel inferior. Maybe you and your spouse or friend had a heated argument. Or maybe you had an opportunity to be courageous but just couldn't find the courage. Have you ever had that kind of day? Sure you have. We all have. But how long did that moment last for you? I mean really last. In all reality it should of ended when you were separated from the situation. Right? Of coarse, it should of. But did it?
Now, I want you to remember having one of those days you just read about. Not the bad day itself, but the thought process you used that day. I want you to remember how that day made you feel and remember how long you carried that feeling around. When you got home that day, did you sit in your favorite chair and think about it? Or maybe you paced the room for a while, contemplating every word that was said and replaying the entire incident. (Only this time, you said the things you wanted to say and did the things you wanted to do, no matter how out there they may be). Did you talk about it at dinner? Or maybe you rolled around in bed that night... replaying, replaying, replaying: What you did do- What you should of done- Blah, blah, blah. All the while, the emotion that stirred inside you during the incident began to swell in you again like a giant wave as you "relived" that moment.
I know what your thinking. 'Yes, Kung Fu Monk, I'm guilty of that. So, what wise Kung Fu Zen words do you have?" I'm so glad you asked, dear reader. Now, even with all my mystical powers, that I don't have, I can't stop you from having bad days. Shocking, I know. But I can help you end those moments faster then you can say, Judo chop! And ending them quickly will help you regain your happiness, quickly. Now let's step back and take a look at what's going on, on the internal level, shall we?
THOUGHT CAN TRANSCEND INTO EMOTION.
When we think a thought, such as a memory or fantasy, we can automatically evoke emotion. This principle can be a pleasurable one if we are thinking good thoughts or thinking about good memories. However, this is a two way street. Just like it feels good to think "happy thoughts", we can also manifest stress, anger, or sadness when we think about less positive events. Why? Simple.
Thoughts are like clouds passing through the mind. They aren't tangible to touch. Often though, as a thought comes into our mind, we let our heart grab onto the thought. And as soon as we do this, we evoke the associated emotion and that emotion latches onto the thought. And when we allow the heart to attach the emotion, we give our thought power. And much like water circling the drain, we find ourselves swept up in a sea of emotion. Consequently, you transport yourself back to that moment that you are thinking of.
Chew on it for a minute. If something made you very angry through the coarse of your day, and you think about it, don't you become angry all over again? So how do we stop this? It's very simple... but very difficult. (Kind of like marriage or juggling chainsaws). You just have to apply the right antidote. We have to be mindful of where we are right now, and the moment that we are in- right now! When I start replaying my day like a bad movie in my mind, I stop myself. I say to myself, "Kung Fu Monk, where are you? What time is it?" I then say to myself, "I am right HERE! And the time is right NOW!" That brings me back to where I'm suppose to be. Present in my own life. I stop "living" in the past or in a phantom memory that didn't happen. I mentally recognize that that moment is over. It is now non existent. I am here. No need to be anywhere else. Especially, in the past. This mental application was very helpful to me after my mother died.
When we get lost in our memories or thoughts of yesterday (Or ten minutes ago), we often attach emotions. And those emotions rob us of our lives. Our mind can put us emotionally in a bad place and that often disrupts our lives and the lives of those around us. Being alive and being you are blessings that are meant to be lived in joy. Not anger or delusion. (Even if you are standing in line at the D.M.V.). You are in the driver's seat of your mind. You can steer it backward or forward. You can enjoy the freedom of being in the here and now. Or you can give your thoughts your emotional power. So be mindful of where you are and what time it is. Remember how our minds can empower our feelings. Leave the past in the past. Your power is in the present. And your future depends on it. (But don't worry about the future. It hasn't arrived yet). Happy dance.
Have you ever had a bad day? I mean a really lousy day. The kind of day that when it was over, you went home, and you replayed it in your mind again and again. Maybe your boss got upset with you and made you feel inferior. Maybe you and your spouse or friend had a heated argument. Or maybe you had an opportunity to be courageous but just couldn't find the courage. Have you ever had that kind of day? Sure you have. We all have. But how long did that moment last for you? I mean really last. In all reality it should of ended when you were separated from the situation. Right? Of coarse, it should of. But did it?
Now, I want you to remember having one of those days you just read about. Not the bad day itself, but the thought process you used that day. I want you to remember how that day made you feel and remember how long you carried that feeling around. When you got home that day, did you sit in your favorite chair and think about it? Or maybe you paced the room for a while, contemplating every word that was said and replaying the entire incident. (Only this time, you said the things you wanted to say and did the things you wanted to do, no matter how out there they may be). Did you talk about it at dinner? Or maybe you rolled around in bed that night... replaying, replaying, replaying: What you did do- What you should of done- Blah, blah, blah. All the while, the emotion that stirred inside you during the incident began to swell in you again like a giant wave as you "relived" that moment.
I know what your thinking. 'Yes, Kung Fu Monk, I'm guilty of that. So, what wise Kung Fu Zen words do you have?" I'm so glad you asked, dear reader. Now, even with all my mystical powers, that I don't have, I can't stop you from having bad days. Shocking, I know. But I can help you end those moments faster then you can say, Judo chop! And ending them quickly will help you regain your happiness, quickly. Now let's step back and take a look at what's going on, on the internal level, shall we?
THOUGHT CAN TRANSCEND INTO EMOTION.
When we think a thought, such as a memory or fantasy, we can automatically evoke emotion. This principle can be a pleasurable one if we are thinking good thoughts or thinking about good memories. However, this is a two way street. Just like it feels good to think "happy thoughts", we can also manifest stress, anger, or sadness when we think about less positive events. Why? Simple.
Thoughts are like clouds passing through the mind. They aren't tangible to touch. Often though, as a thought comes into our mind, we let our heart grab onto the thought. And as soon as we do this, we evoke the associated emotion and that emotion latches onto the thought. And when we allow the heart to attach the emotion, we give our thought power. And much like water circling the drain, we find ourselves swept up in a sea of emotion. Consequently, you transport yourself back to that moment that you are thinking of.
Chew on it for a minute. If something made you very angry through the coarse of your day, and you think about it, don't you become angry all over again? So how do we stop this? It's very simple... but very difficult. (Kind of like marriage or juggling chainsaws). You just have to apply the right antidote. We have to be mindful of where we are right now, and the moment that we are in- right now! When I start replaying my day like a bad movie in my mind, I stop myself. I say to myself, "Kung Fu Monk, where are you? What time is it?" I then say to myself, "I am right HERE! And the time is right NOW!" That brings me back to where I'm suppose to be. Present in my own life. I stop "living" in the past or in a phantom memory that didn't happen. I mentally recognize that that moment is over. It is now non existent. I am here. No need to be anywhere else. Especially, in the past. This mental application was very helpful to me after my mother died.
When we get lost in our memories or thoughts of yesterday (Or ten minutes ago), we often attach emotions. And those emotions rob us of our lives. Our mind can put us emotionally in a bad place and that often disrupts our lives and the lives of those around us. Being alive and being you are blessings that are meant to be lived in joy. Not anger or delusion. (Even if you are standing in line at the D.M.V.). You are in the driver's seat of your mind. You can steer it backward or forward. You can enjoy the freedom of being in the here and now. Or you can give your thoughts your emotional power. So be mindful of where you are and what time it is. Remember how our minds can empower our feelings. Leave the past in the past. Your power is in the present. And your future depends on it. (But don't worry about the future. It hasn't arrived yet). Happy dance.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Nothing to fear but fear itself
A young student onced asked a Zen master, "Master, what is zen?" The Zen master replied, "When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink."
Let's start this blog out with a little exercise. Don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to go run a mile or do sit ups. Nope. I want you to think about what scares you. More specifically, what is the scariest thing on the planet you can think of? I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Why would I want to do that?" Just humor me. What is the most scary thing you can think of? Clowns? Spiders? Aliens that aren't cuddily? Things that go bump in the night. Maybe your afraid of something more bleak: Being laid off, being the victim of a violent crime, losing someone you love to an illness. Insert your fear here. Yep, you can imagine lots of scary things, can't you? Funny how the imagination works. But what's the grand daddy of all fear? What is the root of it's power? Ultimately, it's the fear of the unknown.
The unknown often derails our dreams and can stop us from living full lives. Why don't you apply for that promotion? Why don't you buy that car that you've been eyeing for the last three months? Why don't you ask that guy or girl out that you're crushing on? Why don't you join the gym? Your mind can generate all kinds of "reasons" why you should or shouldn't do this or that. There's better qualified applicants. What if I can't afford the long term car payments? He/She will probably turn me down for a date. What if people judge me at the gym? What if this, what if that, what if, what if, what if... Just like some people are afraid to get in the ocean because they can't see what's swimming around them, we do the same thing in our daily life. (Thanks Matt for that.)
Okay. You get the idea. But I want you to really get 'it'. The 'it' - is what causes the fear. It's not clowns, spiders, or even an event or the situation. It's not a real thing at all. 'It', is the not knowing what is going to happen. It is the manifestation of anxeity brought on by thought. That is the heart of fear. Now, I know what you are thinking: "Okay, Kung Fu Monk, so how do I get around this 'it' fear thing? I know that what I don't know is scary." Well, hopefully you thought that out more gracefully then I imagined you did. So, how do we break this barrier? I'm glad you asked.
First off, let's examine what "unknown" you are struggling with. We do this by asking ourselves about our concern. We get to know it. "It", get it. (Okay bad joke). What is it that I'm worried/scared of? Why is this causing me concern?
Secondly, we ask ourselves: what are the REALISTIC outcomes of the concern? Now, being realistic is critical. When you answer what the outcomes could be, be plausable not just possible. I don't want you to think things like, "Well I could be killed tomorrow by a maniac if I leave my house..." Well no kidding. It's possible. But it probably won't happen! Being realistic helps to take away the power that fear can have on us.
Third, remember... be Zen. (No, Zen is not a form of Chinese money). Zen is living right now! Not in the past and not in the future. Meaning, the past can't hurt us. (Unless it's credit card or loan related). And the future... the future hasn't happened yet. (That's why it's called the future). That's what the Zen master was talking about with the student at the beginning of this blog. He was referring to living now! Living in the present moment! This simple thing will not only give you courage but also decrease stress.
Fourth thing, breathe. I tell my [martial arts] students that no matter what is going on outside around them, they need only to take shelter inside themselves. Inside, there is peace. To focus on that inner peace, we breathe. We return to our breath. We focus our mind on each breath until we calm the mind. Remember: the body follows the mind. And because we are sentient beings (beings that are capable of contemplative thought) we have the potential to be masters of ourselves. And in this case, our inner peace.
Lastly, and most importantly, believe in yourself! It's never exceptable to be a hater. So don't hate on yourself! You have to realize that things do happen for a reason! You are who you are suppose to be right now and you are where you are meant to be right now. You can decide to improve both. I have faith in you and I haven't even met you!
Everyone of us gets afraid from time to time, afraid of a variety of things. But at the root, it's a fear of the unknown. We control very little in our overall lives. Things are essentially out of our control. We don't know where our lives will go or ultimately how they will end. We have to, on some level, except that. In fact we should embrace that. But one thing is for sure, "to live in fear is not to live at all." Don't let the unknown paralyze you in your life! It's your life! So when you are laying in bed and worrying about paying bills, your loved ones, or your own health, remember these few tips. Take them. Apply them. And don't let fear be a barrier! Break it!
Let's start this blog out with a little exercise. Don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to go run a mile or do sit ups. Nope. I want you to think about what scares you. More specifically, what is the scariest thing on the planet you can think of? I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Why would I want to do that?" Just humor me. What is the most scary thing you can think of? Clowns? Spiders? Aliens that aren't cuddily? Things that go bump in the night. Maybe your afraid of something more bleak: Being laid off, being the victim of a violent crime, losing someone you love to an illness. Insert your fear here. Yep, you can imagine lots of scary things, can't you? Funny how the imagination works. But what's the grand daddy of all fear? What is the root of it's power? Ultimately, it's the fear of the unknown.
The unknown often derails our dreams and can stop us from living full lives. Why don't you apply for that promotion? Why don't you buy that car that you've been eyeing for the last three months? Why don't you ask that guy or girl out that you're crushing on? Why don't you join the gym? Your mind can generate all kinds of "reasons" why you should or shouldn't do this or that. There's better qualified applicants. What if I can't afford the long term car payments? He/She will probably turn me down for a date. What if people judge me at the gym? What if this, what if that, what if, what if, what if... Just like some people are afraid to get in the ocean because they can't see what's swimming around them, we do the same thing in our daily life. (Thanks Matt for that.)
Okay. You get the idea. But I want you to really get 'it'. The 'it' - is what causes the fear. It's not clowns, spiders, or even an event or the situation. It's not a real thing at all. 'It', is the not knowing what is going to happen. It is the manifestation of anxeity brought on by thought. That is the heart of fear. Now, I know what you are thinking: "Okay, Kung Fu Monk, so how do I get around this 'it' fear thing? I know that what I don't know is scary." Well, hopefully you thought that out more gracefully then I imagined you did. So, how do we break this barrier? I'm glad you asked.
First off, let's examine what "unknown" you are struggling with. We do this by asking ourselves about our concern. We get to know it. "It", get it. (Okay bad joke). What is it that I'm worried/scared of? Why is this causing me concern?
Secondly, we ask ourselves: what are the REALISTIC outcomes of the concern? Now, being realistic is critical. When you answer what the outcomes could be, be plausable not just possible. I don't want you to think things like, "Well I could be killed tomorrow by a maniac if I leave my house..." Well no kidding. It's possible. But it probably won't happen! Being realistic helps to take away the power that fear can have on us.
Third, remember... be Zen. (No, Zen is not a form of Chinese money). Zen is living right now! Not in the past and not in the future. Meaning, the past can't hurt us. (Unless it's credit card or loan related). And the future... the future hasn't happened yet. (That's why it's called the future). That's what the Zen master was talking about with the student at the beginning of this blog. He was referring to living now! Living in the present moment! This simple thing will not only give you courage but also decrease stress.
Fourth thing, breathe. I tell my [martial arts] students that no matter what is going on outside around them, they need only to take shelter inside themselves. Inside, there is peace. To focus on that inner peace, we breathe. We return to our breath. We focus our mind on each breath until we calm the mind. Remember: the body follows the mind. And because we are sentient beings (beings that are capable of contemplative thought) we have the potential to be masters of ourselves. And in this case, our inner peace.
Lastly, and most importantly, believe in yourself! It's never exceptable to be a hater. So don't hate on yourself! You have to realize that things do happen for a reason! You are who you are suppose to be right now and you are where you are meant to be right now. You can decide to improve both. I have faith in you and I haven't even met you!
Everyone of us gets afraid from time to time, afraid of a variety of things. But at the root, it's a fear of the unknown. We control very little in our overall lives. Things are essentially out of our control. We don't know where our lives will go or ultimately how they will end. We have to, on some level, except that. In fact we should embrace that. But one thing is for sure, "to live in fear is not to live at all." Don't let the unknown paralyze you in your life! It's your life! So when you are laying in bed and worrying about paying bills, your loved ones, or your own health, remember these few tips. Take them. Apply them. And don't let fear be a barrier! Break it!
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