Being Your Own Hero

"Live your life like you're the hero in your movie." ~ Joe Rogan

How many TV shows, movies, and books have been made that depict a character that is down on their luck, beat down by life, and just has the odds stacked against them but somehow they turn things around and win in the end? Have you ever fantasized that you were one of those characters? Maybe you were Julia Roberts in, "Pretty Woman," or perhaps you were Rocky Balboa in the "Rocky," films. No matter what the odds or the struggles, the good people win in the end, right?

Well that's what we want to believe about ourselves. But a lot of times in life, it just doesn't feel like we're going to find Prince Charming or win the big title fight. No matter how hard we swim, we can easily find ourselves feeling trapped in a perpetual rip current of challenge and disappointment. Whether it's with our relationships (or lack of), our finances, maybe we are being bullied, or we don't like what we see in the mirror; the battles we fight can often be on the inside too. So how do you fix it? How do you turn your story around and start to win? How can you become the hero in your movie?

Have a vision
When I was growing up, I was a very small child. I remember my third grade teacher pulled me aside and asked me if my parents fed me. I'm not exaggerating. I ate like a horse. I was just a really little guy back then. Being unable to put on size haunted me through my entire adolescent life. I was continuously bullied at school and walking home from school. I was beaten up a number of times for being a skinny, long haired, white boy, in a very racially diverse town. The bullying led me to have a lack of confidence in myself for years. But for me, I wanted to change my story. I was sick of getting beat down physically and mentally. Growing up, I watched every Bruce Lee, Steven Seagal, and Jean Claude Van Damme movie ever made. I thought muscles and martial arts were the answer to my struggles. I secretly aspired to grow up and be an action actor, just like my heroes. While sitting on the living room floor watching my action movies, I developed a vision.

Ask yourself, "Who do I want to be?"
It seems like as adults, we can't have dreams anymore. It's like dreams are kid stuff. But that isn't true. It's the child like passion that burns in us as adults that fuels our hopes and dreams and reminds us that we are still alive, and still in the game. Often times, we find in our adult lives that things didn't work out like we thought they would when we were children. The good news is, it's okay. It's okay that we made plays and went in different directions. It's okay that we listened to others instead of our own voices. Not everyone becomes a doctor or an astronaut. That's the lessons that we need in life. We need to be challenged in life too. We need to be pushed to grow. But you have to ask yourself what do you want to be and what do you want to do. What are your passions? What do you want to change? Why do you want to change? Who do you want to be? Not what your parents, teachers, spouse, or kids want you to be, but you!

Move toward your vision each day
By the time I was 13, I was training in martial arts after school. I became absolutely committed to transforming my body, my mind, and my life. I was determined to win, to get the girl, and ride off into the sunset, just like my movie star heroes always did. My after school activities  became filled with split kicks, sparring, katas, and meditation. Between classes I would curl "heavy" items, do push ups, sit ups, and read every issue of Black Belt magazine I could get my hands on. I put action behind my vision!

Practice, practice, practice
If you want to be a good swimmer, you have to get in the water. It won't do you much good to just run around the pool if being a good swimmer is your goal. Likewise, if you want to lose weight, you can't eat everything you want. If you are shy and you want to be a good public speaker, then you have to seize opportunities to speak in front of people.

For me, it meant thousands of hours of martial arts classes, weight lifting sessions, and later on- acting and dialect classes. Fear of failure stops so many people. Fear kills more dreams than anything else. You have to tell yourself that not knowing what you could become is far scarier than failing at trying to achieve it.

Concentrate everyday on winning and achieving your goals
Believe it or not, what you think about- expands. Meaning, if you want to make more money but always concentrate on how broke you are, then you will always be broke. Your mind is sort of like a programmer and the universe is like a genie. What your mind thinks about and programs, the universe will answer, "As you wish."  Like I said, what you think about expands. You are the creator of your life. It is beside the point whether or not you believe this, but we live in a universe that is both organic and reactionary to you. When I was growing up and I told people that I wanted to be a great martial artist and a television actor, I usually got an eye roll followed by a "Yeah, right Jeff. No way!" Even some of my family thought I was crazy. I remember when I quit school to pursue acting, my older brother dumped all over me for it. Even he didn't believe in me. But I didn't consider what the odds were or  nor did I put much stock in the notion of a predisposed "destiny." I remained on task and remained focused. Even a few years later when I lost my father, faced eviction, endured homelessness, had to enlist in the Army and go through all of that; I kept my vision in my mind. No matter what was happening around me, I held a clear image in my mind of what I wanted to be and how I wanted to do it.

Never, ever, quit
I always tell people that if you don't ask, the answer is always, "No." Likewise if you quit on yourself or on your vision, you are then guaranteed failure. Your vision will never manifest if you abandon it. It's not enough to sit in your room and just dream and think positive thoughts. While that is good to do, it is still only a part of the formula to success. Thoughts lead to feelings. Feelings lead to intention. Intention leads to action. Action leads to results. There were times I had to put things on hold, but I knew whenever I could, I had to regain focus and start down the course again and again till I won. When things go bad, and everything is shit, you stand up in front of your mirror and you tell yourself, "It's not over until I win!" You repeat that again and again. Everyday.

People who knew me long ago are stunned that I made good on what I saw for myself. I became a black belt, a semi-pro kickboxing champion and I'm now a working television and movie actor, model, and writer. (And I'm not even done yet!)

If you would of asked people 20 years ago if they saw that was my "destiny," they would of laughed. I saw tremendous set backs to my goals. Even today, I struggle from time to time. Just like you. And I do the same things I'm telling you to do. Remember, if an orphaned, skinny, bullied, little kid, from Fayetteville, North Carolina, can transform his life, why the hell can't you? The answer is you can!

Find your passion. Have a vision. Focus. Don't quit. If you fall down, you get up!

Stay positive. Commit to your vision. You are the author of your story.  You can change your life. You are the hero in your movie. Go to work.
  

"Why I kissed organized religion goodbye- Part 3 of 3 - The awakening"

I always thought there would be this moment of "enlightenment" or moment of clarity when your mind, your consciousness, becomes open. I read stories of the Buddha, meditating under the Bodhi tree and then suddenly- BAM! Enlightenment! While that makes for a great story, for me, that's just not how it happens. Nope. As much as I prayed, practiced, and meditated, I never became all knowing or anything like that. In fact, I'm still about as dumb as I ever was. But... something did happen to me. Something did change. Over the journey. And... at anytime... it can happen to you too. If I didn't become a Buddha, then what was it?  Well... I woke up.

From the cushion, to work, to a gas station, to the gym
After about two years of daily meditation, fairly regular visits to the Buddhist temple, and hanging out with the monks, I noticed some very significant changes within my self. Oddly enough, people around me started to notice too. What's even weirder to me is that suddenly, more and more people wanted to be around me and wanted to know me. I'm a bit of an awkward introvert so this was a bit challenging to say the least. I mean I expected to start connecting with a few people more, because my acting career began picking up, but most of these people didn't care about that. A lot of them hadn't even seen my work. They didn't want to talk about my roles or actors I've worked with; they wanted to talk about theology, philosophy, and what I thought about God, life, and how to be happy.

When the hell did I become an authority on such things? Happy? Me, this hippie Kung Fu actor, church reject? Really? Yeah... Even after enduring poverty, several failed relationships, deaths in my family, and much rejection, I was...in fact... inexplicably... happy. Much like the slow awakening of awareness, I had slowly become increasingly happy. It really didn't dawn on me till multiple people questioned me about it. I was busy just bee bopping along on my days. Smiling. Laughing. A lot.

Back in my cop days, I used to intimidate people by just walking into a room. Strong. Masculine. Stoic. I prided myself on it, if you can believe that. Now, people I don't even know just approach me. Strangers smile at me. I came from a world of fighting and now I found myself in a world where I could disarm someone, with a smile. All of this seemed to be happening because well... I'm smiling, I'm happy. Wherever I go. Whatever I'm doing. If  I'm working on set, or doing a shoot or working my part time job, or at a gas station, or the gym, I'm smiling. No matter if I'm with someone or alone, I'm smiling. And it is more contagious than the chicken pox. (And a lot less itchy.)

All of this was a quantum leap from feeling like an outcast in church. I wasn't born again. I wasn't made new. I was me. Just me. I was awake and I was alive!

My recipe for happiness
Everyone wants to be happy. You can pray for it. You can read about it. You can buy things. But the truth is, happiness isn't something you pray for, sit in church for, or shop for. A new car. A new spouse. A new job. Money. Those things may seem like they will bring you happiness. I thought all of those things would make me happy at one time in life. But I'm here to tell you, I thought wrong.

You want to be happy? Let me break it down to you. Here is the crash course: You have to realize that real happiness isn't something you attain or aspire to. We have been programed to be consumers. To get that extra hit of dopamine from Facebook, to fast cars, fast people, and material stuff. Happiness isn't something you reach for, it comes from within.

The first step toward happiness is to "wake up" to the fact that you are what you are, not what you think you are. Meaning: You are not your body, your clothes, your bank account. You are not that face in the mirror. You are not your habits, your failures, your goals, your feelings. You are not the person you were five years ago or five minutes ago. You are, this person, right now. You are an eternal being. You are a spirit of eternal consciousness, truth, and bliss. That's what you are.

When you realize that for yourself, not because I told you, or Oprah, or Dr. Phil told you, but because you figured it out, when you fully get it; happiness will begin to bloom within you. It blooms because you know the temporariness of life and circumstance. You know our eyes lie. You know all of this is an illusion. And you know that- you are forever. (Kind of a game changer.) You will find so much to be grateful for. When that moment occurs, you will find that happiness isn't fueled by external things or forces but by what is already inside you.

Happiness is understanding suffering. You must realize what suffering is and what causes suffering. Suffering is essentially the mind wanting something it either can't have or struggles to hold on to or the mind refuses to accept reality. Stress is a side effect and can also be synonymous with suffering. The root cause of suffering is wanting or attachment. You can reference this further in, "The Four Noble Truths."

You must understand that you are complete. Just how you are. Forget that Jerry McGuire shit. No one completes you, no one saves you. Your happiness in life depends on no one but yourself. You are complete and be grateful for it.

I also began to get happier because I started recognizing my sufferings and I started eliminating unnecessary things and demands on myself. I saw, for the first time, how temporary and fleeting the feelings I got when I bought things were. I started to declutter my home and my mind. I turned off cable. I down sized. I stopped thinking so negatively. I started reading more. I began putting positive input into my mind.  I also started to apply my meditation to my daily life. I realized that there are only three moments in time- past, present, and future. Meditation is about being present. Fully. In this moment, right here. Nowhere else.

Because emotion is directly tied to your thoughts, when you dwell in the past, you find emotions swelling inside you such as sadness, embarrassment, regret, failure, and anger. When we fantasize about the future, we may feel stress, anxiety, fear, and doubt. But when we focus our mind on the present, there's none of those feelings of the past or future. There is only peace. That's why they call it the "present." It's a gift. In the present, the past and future do not exist. Don't believe me? Try it. Start by focusing on your breath. Listen to it. Take 10 mindful deep breaths. It's a little exercise I do whenever I'm about to do a show or a performance. It brings me back to center and it will do the same for you; Anytime, any place.

The unorganized religion
When I began figuring out what I was and what I wasn't, life began to take on a special meaning. The universe now seemed to be alive and magical. It became everything that I searched for in churches as an impressionable youth. I found my gospel, not in the archaic pages of a thousand year old book, or the hell, fire, and brimstone threats of the misguided, but within my own being. I discovered that the only labels we have are the ones we give ourselves.

The absolute truth is, there is no separation. We are all connected. Even to people you might not like. There's no black or white. No rich or poor. No left or right. There is just unity, the great connection. That alone is enough to make me smile; to make me happy. Many of us just haven't taken the time to see that connection. Your true happiness, your journey, is now more important than ever. You are not alone on this journey. Sometimes the only love someone may see, is the love that is inside of you. No matter what any bible, preacher, youth leader, or dogma says, the true religion is always... love. The true religion is in you...

"Why I kissed organized religion goodbye- Part 2: The Signs"

So there I was. Alone. Divorced. Looking down from the balcony of my apartment on the third floor. Empty beer bottles laying around. Wondering what the hell I was doing with my life and more importantly... what was the meaning of my life?

When you ask deep, philosophical questions, a lot of folks think the bible is the end all be all authority on all things meaningful. Me personally, I read a lot of the bible. I studied it. I went to church... religiously. I had a study bible, a companion bible, cheat sheets, scripture of the day calendars, Christian books, the whole business. I was in. I drank the proverbial Kool Aid. I was the poster child for Jesus. But to tell you the truth, I was about as close to finding eternal truth as I was finding the lost city of Atlantis.

For me, church, Christianity, the Jesus freaks, all of it... started to feel more like a business or a club; a business where the people sell you sunshine, feel goods, and fake rainbows for 90 minutes. Yeah they make you give an awkward hug or handshake to the stranger to the left and right, but that never led me to any meaningful relationships. I began to see this kind of tribal or pack mentality throughout the place. It was about someone telling me what to think, what to read, what to watch, what music to listen to, and how much money to give. And oh yeah, if you have a question- just pray about it.

I never did well with authority
You go to church to invoke a positive change in yourself and to worship. But I started noticing that a lot of the same people I was standing next to in church on Sunday were the same people stabbing each other in the back on Monday. I became very aware of how judgmental my church going friends were too. This person is a sinner. That person doesn't give enough money to the church. She's a whore. He's going to hell if he doesn't change. This person is sleeping with that person. Don't get me wrong, I was just as bad as any of them. No question. But with me, the more aware of that I became, the more I wasn't good with being like that, like them. It didn't feel good. I became more and more awake to this negative, non Christ-like mindset. Going to church and being around these people didn't feel good. It felt like we were playing a kind of make believe. As they say in Texas, "All hat, no cattle."

By this time, I was attending another church and it had a sound stage, two big amphitheater screens, and a band that gave the church more of a rock concert vibe than a religious feel. This church was generating mega bucks every month too. I mean a million bucks. Literally. Still does. I couldn't help but wonder how or why the pastor felt that God wanted the church band to have a light show and smoke machines but didn't want to fund a homeless shelter or feed the community- but whatever. My spiritual journey was mine. It was about me trying to figure my stuff out. Why we're here. Who God is. What is my purpose. Basically... I wanted to know the big question we all want answered... I wanted to know how to be happy.

I can't recall a particular moment or incident that happened, but one day I decided that I had enough. I figured my salvation wasn't going to come in an offering plate. And saying you're a Christian and going to church doesn't make you a good person. And contrary to it's promises, it doesn't really help you understand what the hell is going on around this planet. No I can't recall a specific moment, but I can recall a lot of hypocritical, two faced, judgmental people who have a habit of telling people who don't believe how they believe that they are going to hell. I started to step back. I started to use a more rational mind when it came to all of the "teachings" of the bible and religion in general. And I noticed a lot of things I read in the bible, had one thing in common... it made about zero sense.

Noah and a boat load of disbelief
When you ask, 'Who are we? Where do we come from?' you want some kind of rational explanation. Or at best at least an honest answer. I'd even settle for, "We really don't know" as an answer. At least it's honest. But we get some very odd story of humanity in Christian ideology. You can't have a human origin story without Genesis and Noah's Ark, right? Ya know, how basically we came from two people- Adam and Eve. Well, so I learned in church. Apparently genetics wasn't too regarded or understood back then.

Then there's Noah- the ark, the great flood. Yeah. It's a story about a 600 year old man who God tells to build a boat and put his family and two of every kind of animal on it to save them from a great flood. So... a 600 year old man is tasked to build a boat - quite an undertaking for a man his age. He puts every kind of animal on this boat. ( Miraculously, pun intended, the animals don't eat each other or Noah or his family.) And when the flood comes, no other boats work but Noah's, apparently. So how did the earth repopulate? Well... incest of course. Had to be. Kind of process of elimination there. But incest is a sin, right? It says so in the bible. (Not to mention disgusting.)  Genetically speaking, we should be mutants at best. Actually our species shouldn't of survived. Yeah, this all makes perfect sense. Must be where "God works in mysterious ways." Right. Maybe I should just pray about it...

The spiritual kick to the nuts
If you read Part 1 of this series, you may recall my encounter with a Buddhist monk in a book store. Again, I remembered this monk telling me that when I was ready, I was going to embark on a spiritual journey. After a lot of back and forth, I decided to leave the church, never to return. I was finally left alone, in peace, to flesh out religion, the origin of people, the meaning of life, all of it... my way. No stop signs. No speed limits. It was now coming to pass. I was ready and now embarking on that spiritual journey that monk had foretold about me years prior.

A funny thing happened to me as the weeks rolled past since my disappearance from church. People I had associated with at church... stopped calling me. Yep. Once in a while, I'd run into one or two of them and they always acted like they owed me money or something. The conversations were short, sweet, and over faster than a baptism in a water park.

Another interesting thing happened. Something a little more refreshing- for the first time I was free to pray any way I saw fit to. And... I didn't have to listen to any shitty church band music. Amen.

Years went on and again I found myself in yet another very dark, unhealthy, relationship. One that continued for five long years. (They say that lessons are repeated in life until they are learned.) I lived in an environment that was so toxic that when you walked into the house you could literally feel the tension in the air. It was so bad that my house was just a house, it wasn't my home. It was a big, beautiful house, nice neighborhood, two car garage, private gym, and a prison inside.

I needed a plan. I needed an escape. But I couldn't afford to walk away from a house I just bought. I couldn't yet abandon three step kids that needed a stable man in their life. But what could I do? The answer wasn't in a book, or in a Joel Osteen speech, it was actually inside of me. I knew I couldn't physically escape the outside world by just running away but I could escape it temporarily... from the inside. I began practicing a technique that I had learned in martial arts class years and years ago... I began meditating.

The magical signs from the universe
I started doing daily meditations. Sometimes two to three times a day. 10 minutes here. 20 minutes there. It was my escape. It was my temporary way out of the nightmare that I had manifested. It was my way to call a time out, reflect, and escape the bullshit. I was beat down by my spouse and her kids. Pressured by balancing home, acting jobs, and a day job. But the more I meditated, the more peace I began to feel throughout the day. It was like a prayer but deeper. Slowly, my perspective about myself and life started to shift. By continuously diving into my self, into my breathe, I slowly started to understand myself and the world around me. For the first time, after all of the sermons I sat through, the baptisms, the shitty band music, the hypocrisy, life finally began to make a kind of sense. I started to see the connection with things, events, and thoughts. I began to finally wake up.

I eventually walked away from that horrible relationship and from the four bedroom house I co owned. I had allowed that woman to make me feel like that fat youth leader made me feel when I was 17- not good enough. As my perspective on life changed through meditation, so did my perspective on my self. I slowly started discovering something good, something real, the complete person that I am and always was.

During one of my meditation sessions, a very, very, very, odd thing happened. I mean down right trippy. I had an "experience." As I sat with my eyes closed, my concentration on my breathe, I was transported within my mind to another place. I saw an incredibly lush rain forest. And I was standing in the middle of it. And then suddenly, without warning, this unusual looking woman appeared. Her face was kind of oval. Her skin was flawless, almost with an air brushed quality. She was quite beautiful, actually. She put her hand on me and called me by three names that I didn't recognize. In fact, it wasn't English. She then stated that 'I was loved' and that she 'is with me on my journey through this life and that I would never be alone.' She hugged me and then told me something really strange, she said, "the forest wants you to come home." The forest wants me to come home? What the hell does that mean? I immediately snapped back to my room where I had been sitting. I felt very jarred, kind of like when you start to fall asleep and wake up feeling like you are falling. That's what it was like. I looked up the "names" she called me. And oddly, they were real words. They translated to character almost horoscope descriptions that fit me to a T. Things that make you go, "hmmm."

One of my close friends was having her own spiritual journey at that time. She was very interested in checking out a Buddhist temple and asked me several times if I would go with her. I finally agreed. The following week, on a Friday, we went. It was amazing. The temple was open 7 days a week. Just walking in there, there was a feeling of openness, comfort, and love. A stark contrast to the rigidity of traditional church. One of the monks, a young white guy, took us on a tour of the property and told us many facts about their Buddhist traditions and beliefs. Many of which I had previously read about in books. The most peculiar fact he stated to me was this- He said that Theravada Buddhism, the sect of Buddhism practiced there, was also known as "Forest Buddhism". Forest Buddhism? Forest! The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I remembered the vision of the flawless woman and what she said to me during meditation a few weeks back - "The forest wants you to come home." That was it. I had arrived. The journey led me here. I was home...

"Why I kissed organized religion goodbye - Part 1: The beginning"

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 17 years old and I was sitting on one of those old rickety pews in this cookie cutter southern Baptist church watching the baptism of several people up on the stage of this place. It was powerful. I was in fact so moved at the event that I decided to walk up and be baptized myself. After all, I was told that to be truly "saved" you had to accept Jesus and be baptized or you wouldn't go to heaven when you died. So in t-shirt, blue jeans, and all, I took the magical plunge to salvation! Everyone cheered and I was handed a towel AND a certificate of baptism for my participation.

I must confess to you now, because I wouldn't then, when I was dunked under the water and I rose back up I felt exactly two things... wet and cold. That was it. I didn't feel any different. There was no blissful feeling or moment of enlightenment. No angels singing. Nothing. It wasn't for a lack of trying you see. I mean I wanted to feel like a brand new "saved" soul. I really, really, really wanted to. And the preacher gave one hell of a dramatic speech before dunking me like a basket ball into that Houdini styled water tank. Real Oscar stuff. But... yeah. I was still... me. Same old sinner.

Aside from my melancholy aquatic religious experience the previous Sunday, I went ahead and decided to dive full force into the bible, Jesus, church, all of it. I went to church three times a week- twice on Sunday and once on Wednesday. I was like a little teenage pastor in training. I was just missing the Jesus Freak bumper sticker for my car. But something still felt a little... odd.

One week, I was in Sunday School, and one of the other teens there asked the youth pastor if people who didn't accept Jesus would all go to hell. He said, "Well, yes. Yes they will unless they accept Jesus as their savior." The teen nodded his head and then asked if the Jews will be going to hell since their faith doesn't recognize Jesus as the Son of God. The youth pastor paused, took a deep breath, and said, "Well... if you believe what the bible says, then yes. They will all go to hell."
That answer didn't sit well with me. In fact I started to do something that the church hates: I started to ask questions.

Why would "God's holy people" (the Jews) all be damned to hell if they are His people? Why are the Buddhist going to hell? They don't start any wars. Why is it the people who are going to heaven seem to all be old, wealthy, white people? It just didn't make sense. But for my questions I got the old song and dance routine of, "Have faith" and "The bible says..." Neither one of these answers were very informative or very comforting. (Don't even get me started on the church's bigotry of homosexuals.)

I kept praying and reading my bible everyday, despite my wonders. I kept perfect attendance with church. I was a "good Christian." Well... So I thought. One Sunday it was announced that the Sunday School class was looking for a new Sunday School Youth Leader and they would be taking volunteers to lead the class until someone voiced that they wanted to do it regularly. I immediately jumped at the chance. After all, I was a devoted church member and Christian.

I cant remember the guy's name who was a youth leader there but I do remember he was an over weight, late twenties, white guy who still lived with his parents and had never even kissed a girl. Well this guy let me lead the Sunday school one Sunday. After church I went to him and proclaimed that I had it on my heart to teach Sunday school. I was so excited to do it. It felt right and I was 100% into it! I remember him telling me to follow him and he took me up to the church's attic and sat me down and there he pretty much told me that "a lot of stern eyes would be on me" and that I wasn't "good enough to lead the Youth Sunday School." He went on and on about how his family had gone to that church for years and blah, blah, blah. By that point I had tuned him out. I was busy feeling, well, terrible. I felt like a degenerate. An outcast. Just not good enough. I guess being a long haired, rock music listening, teen who had lost his virginity many times over disqualified me from church leadership. It didn't matter if I had repented, I wasn't "one of them." At least, that's how this "good Christian" made me feel.

Some weeks later I was at a book store looking around for a study bible and I looked over and to my surprise I saw the strangest thing. I saw a monk. Yeah, a real life, robes and all, Asian, monk. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I sensed he knew I was staring. The monk just kind of glided around looking at books. I finally decided that I had to talk to him. I mean how often do you see a guy that looks like he stepped out of Kung Fu movie standing right in front of you. So I politely and sheepishly spoke to the monk. I asked him if he was a Buddhist monk; which he kindly said he was and he went on to answer all of my silly westerner questions. I told him that I was a Christian. And he said that was very good. He then said that he had something for me. A gift. I was very surprised to hear this. I mean what could a monk in robes have for me? I didn't see him carrying anything. But like magic, he moved his arm very quickly and precisely and all of a sudden he had a book in his hand. Not one from the store either. This was a book that belonged to him. He kindly presented it to me and told me that when I was ready, I "would embark on a great spiritual journey." I looked down at the book and it was a small soft cover book on Buddhism. I excitedly excepted the gift from the monk and I thanked him.

I hurried home and started reading the book that this monk had magically produced out of thin air and gave me. The philosophy was beautiful. It paralleled Christianity marvelously. And it helped explain the nature of the self and human suffering in ways that the bible kind of skipped. It also seemed to offer a few extra things: It didn't tell me what to think but more so asked me what I thought. It encouraged meditation and looking within yourself for answers rather than regurgitating a bunch of passages from a book or some old guy's behind a podium opinion. It gave something that I hadn't experienced before... it gave me space. Space to think. Space to be rational. Space to use science and reason and logic and self understanding. It gave space to practice!

Excited by my new spiritual journey I began talking to and asking questions to the youth leaders, pastor, and "wise" church elders. I even talked about this book to a born again Christian, ex crack head, who I worked with. All of them, and I mean all, told me that the philosophy was good, the love, the compassion, and all that it offered was right but it lacked Jesus so it was wrong.

Disappointed and depraved I try to forget about the monk and about Buddhism. I had been training in the martial arts for a few years by then, and to me, the philosophy of the east was a better fit to my life than stuck up youth leaders, fire and brimstone, and some archaic writing that seemed to cause more division than unity. But... I continued trying to be a "good Christian."

I remember being warned by the pastor that many teens would stray away from church by the time they were adults. I thought to myself, "that's not going to be me! I'll never stray!" But funny enough... I finally did. And yeah, I looked back. And every time I looked back, my desire to keep running kept growing. Somehow I knew that my happiness in this life, my salvation, my spiritual journey, was going to be up to... me.