10 Behaviors You Need to Stop Right Now

"We create our fate every day... most of the ills we suffer from are directly traceable to our own behavior." - Henry Miller 

There is clearly an abundance of negativity in the world today. You can find all kinds of negative programming from social media, to magazines, and even the "news" now adays. It almost seems impossible to escape it. I guess you could try to live off the grid or bury your head in the sand. But I think the easier solution is to just shine your light in this dark world. We have to become more mindful of our thoughts and actions and put a little bit of effort into not changing but shifting to better individual behavior. Here's a list of behaviors that we should shift away from that contribute to negativity in our everyday lives.

Not responded to texts, emails, and messages.
If it's work, a friend, acquaintance, or someone you don't care two cents about; if they took the time from their day to text or message you, then you need to take a moment and respond. It's common courtesy. When you don't respond to people, what you are saying by your silence is, "You don't matter." That is a very nasty and disrespectful thing to convey to someone. If they give you their time, give them a moment of yours. You would want the same respect.

Continuously making negative political posts
You don't have to like politics or politicians but always trashing your country and its sitting president or representives does nothing good for you or anyone else. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you don't like who is in office, rather than complain endlessly and saying terrible things, show up on election day and vote. If your person still doesn't win, get over it and move on with your life. Your opinion doesn't change the world, your actions and attitude does.

Not saying, "thank you."
I'm not sure when manners went out of style, but it's time to at least dust off gratitude and say, "thank you" when it's applicable. If someone holds a door for you, tells you that they hope you have a good day, compliments you, or does something that in some way impacts your life for the better, thank them! It shows them that you acknowledge that they did something for you and that you are grateful. You have the power to make everyone around you feel appreciated. Do you want to feel appreciated? Yes. Spoiler alert- So does everyone else.

Interrupting people while they are speaking
Yeah, most of us are guilty of this one. Here's what happens when you interrupt someone speaking. No matter what you are saying, your message becomes- "Your opinion and voice are less important than mine. I wasn't even listening to half of what you were saying because I was busy thinking about what I was going to say." Pretty shitty, huh? If you will genuinely listen to others, you will learn so much AND you give people the spotlight to shine their light and feel like they truly have a voice. We all should have a voice.

Not letting people get over in traffic
Where are we going and why do we have to get there so fast? Why not let someone get in front of you in traffic when they need to? Often times that little bastard nasty called, the ego, takes the wheel, hits the gas, and says, "You aren't getting in front of me!" Next time when you see someone trying to get over, instead of making it a race car challenge, realize that they are in need. They need help. They are trying to get somewhere too. (Just like you). Letting people into your lane reduces stress for them, you, and surrounding motorists. It keeps traffic flowing and can prevent road rage. Remember, you are no more important than anyone else and no one is any more important than you.

Spending hours on social media
Social media has become an addiction for many of us. It has become the narcissist's crack. While you are busy worrying about trying to impress others, getting attention on your 800th "selfie," and trying to compare yourself with the Jones', your life is slipping away. On your death bed do you really think you are going to regret all the time you weren't on your phone? No. You are going to wish that you were more present in real life rather than always having your attention on your phone. Rather than making selfies, make memories. 

Being jealous 
Being jealous of anyone or anything is completely self inflicted and a mark of immaturity. It is as ridiculous as purposely banging your head into a wall. You are 100% responsible for yourself, your life, your happiness. No one else. If you don't like your life or you envy someone else, take the energy and time you spend being jealous and apply it to reshaping your life into something more. We can't always choose the cards we are dealt but we can choose how the hell we play the hand.

Being easily offended
Folks, no one can hurt your feelings or offend you without your consent. Every one is different. Not every one is going to agree with you, like you, or support your way of life. When you get offended easily, it should tell you that perhaps you are not fully comfortable or secure within your own self. By letting people get under your skin with their non sense, you waste your energy, time, and you throw away your own inner peace. We need to love ourselves more than that. We are all on a spiritual journey and each one of us is at a different point in those journeys. Realize that. Embrace that. Let it go.

Being overly busy
I love the line, "Never be so busy making a living that you forget to make a life." Does that describe you? Always hustling. I know life is a struggle. It's expensive. It's demanding. It's time consuming. But ask yourself, how many more days do you have on this earth? How many more moments will you get with your loved ones? Life is fragile. Life is not about stuff. I've seen too many wealthy people commit suicide or waste away on drugs and alcohol. So we can infer that joy doesn't come from money, status, or stuff. Your joy radiates from within. It's in the most simplest of moments. Slow down. Don't let your life pass you by. The ride ends too quickly anyway.

Settling
 I don't know at what point when we become adults that many of us stop dreaming. We stop going after our goals. We stay in bad marriages. We settle for jobs that make us miserable. All the while we believe that this is life and it won't get any better. I say, "bullshit." If you have a desire in you that continues to come up in your heart, you owe it to yourself to go after it. Whether it's a career change, a relationship change, or a childhood dream... go for it. Your life is what YOU make it. No one else. If you are alive, then YOU are still writing YOUR story and you can change the chapters however you see fit. If you are happy and satisfied with life then great. Congratulations. If you aren't, then start visualizing what you want, work on it every single day, and don't quit on it. Dreams don't work unless YOU DO.

We become more aware of our actions when we recognize it's effect on others. It's often the smallest things that leave the biggest impression on people. You are incredibly powerful. You can lift others up or you can pull them down. The choice is yours. Knowledge is recognizing destructive behaviors. Wisdom is making the shift to better behavior.

6 Ways to be a Chivalrous Partner

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." - Wayne Dyer

There is arguably a sharp decline in both chivalry and the idea of masculinity within our society today. Because of this decline, you may have noticed, (if you are over 30), that men don't seem to be as eager to demonstrate the courtesy and respect toward their partners as they once did. Likewise, their partners don't seem to be as willing to appreciate the small gestures of respect that made men particularly chivalrous to begin with. Here are a few tips for men AND women to help show and receive chivalrous respect from one another.  

Hold the door...
Just open and hold the door for your spouse. If you are the driving, before you get into your vehicle, unlock and open the door for the person you are dating. Likewise, if you are entering a restaurant, open and hold the door for the other person. This simple action shows both respect and chivalry. And if you are with someone who opens the door for you, don't think it's because they feel you can't open a door for yourself. I'm sure they know you are strong and capable. It's a sign of respect. Just appreciate their courtesy and always say, thank you.

Tell them they are beautiful / handsome
If you are with someone who you genuinely feel is attractive, tell them. How easy is that? Just stop, look at them, and tell them that you find them attractive. It doesn't matter if you are casually dating the person, are in a committed dating relationship with them, or you have been married 40 years. Don't just think that they "know." It is your job as a partner to remind them regularly that they are beautiful. If you don't, someone else will.

Ask about their day first
We all have tons of things going on in our busy lives. At the end of the day, when you are with your partner, just stop and ask them how their day was and allow them time to tell you all about it before talking about your day. Listen and pay attention to them as if you were watching your favorite show. When you demonstrate that kind of interest in a person, it will make them confident that you really care and are truly invested in them and your relationship.

Don't go "Dutch." 
If you are in a relationship or plan on getting into one with a specific person, you will surely share multiple meals together. When you go Dutch (splitting the check), you are signaling that you are not investing in the courtship because you don't see it going much further. Also, forget that the man always has to pay cliche. This is truly an out dated and sexist idea. Nowadays, life is expensive and often times more difficult than it used to be. It sometimes takes two people just to survive. It's not realistic to think it's okay to have only one person drain their bank account all the time. Alternate paying for dates. It shows appreciation for both parties and your future together.

Practice mindful listening
When you are with someone, be with them. Don't be on your phone or the internet. It's incredibly disrespectful. Put your devices down. Those distractions will be there even if that person is not. Don't try to dominate the conversation either. When you listen to someone, don't talk over them or think about what you are going to say next while the other person is speaking. If you are present and mindful as you listen, you convey a message of genuine interest and appreciation in the other person. You might actually learn something from them too. Win. Win.

Love without attachment
One of the Four Noble Truths is that attachment is the cause of suffering. When we attach ourselves to anything or anyone, we manifest our own stress and suffering. We must realize that we are already perfectly complete and need no other to make us whole. To do this, we must be comfortable within ourselves and love ourselves. Jealousy, fear, and anxiety are often symptoms of relationships that have a person(s) that aren't fully realized. If we recognize that when we are in a relationship with someone, we should be there because we want that person in our life, not that we need the person in our life. This frees us up to truly love without "white knuckling" the person and causing the relationship unnecessary stress and strain.

Far too often we get so wrapped up in the fast pace of life that we forget to take little moments and truly show respect and appreciation to the ones that matter the most to us. You don't have to be John Wayne to be chivalrous nor do you have to be a damsel in distress to except and appreciate good old fashioned manners. There are no knights in shinning armor riding into the sunset but there are still as many opportunities as you make to be the partner that you want to have....

10 Strategies for Talking Politics and Religion Without Arguing

"Better to remain silent and be thought of as a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

Recently while I was working my part time job, I had the opportunity to take part in a discussion about religion with a couple of co workers. (A dicey thing to talk about at work, especially since I'm a practicing Buddhist, might I add.) One of my co workers, a young man from Texas, had started going to church this year and apparently he felt the need to share with me and our other co worker his convictions about Jesus. To make a long story short, I asked the young man several things about the bible and several questions in regards to the science of life. The young man couldn't answer my questions. Frustrated, he left the office as fast as he could.
My other co worker, a Christian, and I, talked about the bible, creation, theology, science, and God for over an hour and a half. No yelling. No arguing. Not even a debate. At one point my co worker stopped and said, "You know we've been talking for nearly two hours about religion and neither of us have gotten mad or offended. Why do you think that is?"

Pretty simple, really. Here are a few ways to talk religion or politics with anyone without having it turn into an argument:

1) Don't try to persuade the other person to agree with you.
One of the biggest mistakes we make is we try to seize the conversation as an opportunity to "change" someone's mind. It's like we have this insecure need to feel like we are right and our opinion is the gospel truth. Unless you're on a soapbox, don't try to make your dialogue seem like you are on one.

2) Be educated about the subject matter that you are speaking about.
If you are talking about the bible, you need to be well versed on the bible. If you are talking politics, know current events and how it relates to what you are saying. Be prepared to back up, not defend,  your opinion with facts, not just your theories.

3) Be a good listener.
It shows respect to the person you are speaking with and makes them feel that what they have to say is just as important as what you are saying. (Because it is.) If you allow people the opportunity to make their point, they are less likely to be confrontational in trying to get their message out.

4) Give the person "space."
You have to give people room to feel and express themselves. Try to make them feel like you aren't judging them on their opinion, even if you completely disagree with them. Doing so is an act of respect and humility.

5) Keep in mind that you might be wrong and that's okay. 
You don't have to always be right. You can even... change your mind! It is not a sign of weakness or inferiority to be open to changing your opinion about something. The point of discussion is to broaden perspective and understand where one another is coming from.

6) Don't be attached to the words you say or hear.
Often when we hear something that doesn't agree with our values or opinions, we immediately get offended and defensive. When this happens, it indicates that we have unnecessarily attached feeling and emotion to words or ideas. That, just in plain conversation, is ridiculous. You can believe what you believe without feeling threatened by alternative views. Your world is your own.

7) Know the difference between fact and your ego.
No one can offend you or hurt you without your permission. When words penetrate you or you feel the need to debate, that is a cue that your ego is leading the conversation. Lead with facts. Facts are provable. Opinion is not necessarily able to be proven. You don't need validation from the other person to support your beliefs. Your mind is enough. It's okay to believe differently.

8) Remember that everyone is different and has had a totally different life experience than you.
We forget that we are each having individual human experiences; Very different from one another. Even siblings have their own unique lives and see the world through different eyes. People will often come to different conclusions about various things because of this. This process is called, life.

9) Perspective means more than being right or wrong.
Just because you feel a certain way about a topic or situation, that doesn't mean you are "right." Just because the other person sees things  differently than you, doesn't mean they are "wrong." Sometimes both opinions can be right, depending on perspective. Always look from many vantage points; It will build character and help you grow.

10) Don't yell, curse, or condescend the other person.
Right? You can't defuse a situation or keep a conversation civil if you can't maintain control of your tone, language, or inflection. Communication may be 75% non verbal, but name calling and cursing is 100% bad communication.

So often we forget that we are all works in progress, always in development. We confuse challenge with educational opportunities to grow. I don't know it all. You don't know it all. And it's okay. In fact life would be pretty dull if we had it all figured out. So listen more than you speak. Respect others as yourself. And let people be people. Namaste.

8 Things I've Learned About Life From Being a Working Actor

Life is a process, a work in progress. Our perspective, our personality, our biases, and how we define ourselves is based on the individual experiences that we have during our life. When we look back we can see how things have changed us, shaped us, and taught us lessons. I have had the privilege of becoming a television and film actor over the last number of years; an experience few get to be a part of. Here are some of the things I've learned so far from this experience...

                          

95% of people will only be interested in you when you are winning

It always amazes me how every time I'm filming or I book a role, my social media blows up and my phone buzzes like a perpetual earthquake. I receive messages from people I haven't heard from in months (even years). But the times between the shows, the lows, the waiting, (the disappointments), all of those "cheering" and supportive people seem to disappear. The truth is the majority of folks are so preoccupied with themselves that their level of care or connection to others is topical at best. The people that truly care for you, will want nothing from you, and will always be there for you. Those folks are going to be few and far between no matter how successful you think you are.

Fame, money, and influence is fleeting

Working on a film set, you are meeting all kinds of people. Those people will usually act interested in you for the duration of production. But their interest in you is generally superficial, kind of like small talk in an elevator. When you are making a name for yourself and the dough is coming in, people will want to know you. When there's a pause in the ride, a break in the action, you often find yourself alone.
My acting coach once said, "The cycle of fame is like this: Who is Jeff Sandor? - Get me Jeff Sandor! - I need a 'Jeff Sandor type.' - Who is Jeff Sandor?"  When the money is spent, it doesn't come back. You always have to work more to make more. When people surround you and you have nothing to offer them, they are genuine. The lesson here is: You are not your body, your car, your bank account, or your social media. It's all going to disappear. You are truth, consciousness, and bliss. That's all you have. Love is abundant and we should love people abundantly.

You are in competition with no one but yourself

Sitting in the audition room always has the same vibe. It's like a job interview on steroids. It's tense situation and most everyone in the waiting area with you sees you as competition. They glare at you like you are taking the last hamburger at the Sunday barbeque. People get so wrapped up in the other people in the room, sizing them up, tearing them down, that they forget about what they bring to the table. They mentally beat themselves before uttering their first line of dialogue. In life, you are the hero in your story. No one is as good at playing you as you are. (Even if you are "playing" a role.) So don't worry about what anyone else thinks or is doing. The most powerful thing you can be is yourself.  

Your job is not your identity 

You see it a lot. People often define themselves by the jobs they do, the money they make, the titles they carry. Whatever you do for a living, you have to step back, reflect, and be comfortable in your own skin. I've seen amateur actors who, in all reality, are fairly average people, totally unrecognizable outside of their home town, but all they do on social media is post about acting or gigs or pictures of themselves. No real content with any substance or stance. People create for themselves a kind of dual identity. They get so caught up in maintaining an image and an imaginary  expectation, that they lose their true self and they become buried under the stress and burden of keeping up this illusion. We hold a personal pressure that people are as fascinated with ourselves as we are. Truth is, people are innately more concerned with their own selves then what you have going on. 

Some people will just want you to fail

That's right. Some people just want to see you fall on your face. Why? Because they hate you? Probably not. Usually, the reason is these people either aren't as brave as you or are not as driven. So for them, it's much easier to scoff at you going after your goals and continuing to knock you for doing it rather than them getting up and going for their own individual dreams. So the healthiest thing for you to do is to keep moving forward and not take their attitude personally. The lesson is that often times the way people treat you is not a reflection of you, but a reflection of themselves.

How you treat others is more memorable than making movies

We often underestimate our own individual influence on how we impact the people around us. I've heard horror stories about actors being absolutely obnoxious to crew, to directors, and to co stars. I've been on the receiving end of such poor behavior when I worked on a particular network show with the lead female actor. (She was later recast the following season. Karma.) Your reputation will always proceed you. Maybe what you do isn't a big deal to you, but for some people around you, you may be the part of the story they tell over and over for years. After I worked on Netflix's, "House of Cards," I never talked much about what I did, but I always talked about how kind and beautiful Robin Wright was with me and how amazing it was to work with her. When you are in a position to make someone's day and give them the gift of joy just by treating them well, do it. Whether you treat people well or treat them badly, people will always remember you for it.  

Ego kills relationships and careers
The ego is like a child. The ego demands control, attention, praise, and power. None of these things will bring you any peace or bring peace to anyone else. What it will do is put unnecessary stress and burdens on those around you. It will become a huge wedge between you and other people. The ego is insecure and demands reassurance that it is great. You cannot be a fully developed human if you are only concerned with yourself. What you seek for yourself, you must first give to others. This is humility. No matter what we achieve in our careers, our bank accounts, or how many social media followers we have, no one is any better or any worse than anyone else. Besides, cancer doesn't care how famous you are. Remember that. 

Not everyone is treated the same
I talked to the director of photography on a recent commercial I was working on during a break. He told me something fascinating. He said that, one of the differences between the "talent"[the actors] and the crew is that the talent can mess up a take numerous times and no one gets on them about it but no one behind the camera can mess up a take. If they do, they can be fired. I never worked as crew and had never thought about it until then, but he was right. There was clearly different standards for different people. On a film set, it depends on your job. Looking back, I can promise you I get treated a lot better being an actor then during the days when I was an extra. I was raised to treat everyone the same. There exists a hierarchy on set, and in many instances, in life. Our duty is to simply show up  in life and treat every single person we meet the same way as we would want to be treated.  

I've learned these lessons not just from watching other people but because I sometimes was those people. I lived many years being egotistical, selfish, self-centered, insecure, hateful and insensitive to those around me many times. My hope is that you, dear reader, will take these words and become more aware of your own being and avoid many of the pitfalls that I have seen and have been apart of. We are all enduring the human condition. We are all unsure of things. We are all winging it. But we also are all in this together. The segregations and limitations we place on life is purely self inflicted... and can be changed...